A New Job

I'm sitting at my computer working while my kids are working independently. I'd been sick for the first two days of the week with the flu and returned on Wednesday. I probably should have taken one more day, but it is such a hassle making sub plans that I decided to just tough it out and be at school. My nose was all plugged up so I took a big breath with my mouth. One of my students heard me and said:

Her: Mrs. C, are you feeling OK?
Me: No... I probably should have stayed home one more day with this awful cold.
Her: Maybe you can get a prostitute to come in for you this afternoon.
Me: (Shocked) A SUBSTITUTE????
Her: Oh. Yeah. A substitute.

Missing

A conversation between me and one of my students last Friday:

Him: Mrs. C., do you notice anything different about me?

Me: Do you have a new backpack?

Him: No.

Me: A new coat?

Him (now exasperated): NO! I'm missing part of my butt.

Me (extremely confused): What?!?!?!

Him: Last night at basketball practice, I ran my butt off and now I think part of it is missing.

Me: Oh, honey... that's just an expression that people use when they work really hard or play really hard. I really don't think that part of your backside is really missing.

Him: I don't know... It IS getting smaller...